Community, compassion and comfort.
These are the feelings that fueled my heart with a greater love for my faith and flushed out some of the anger etched on my heart as I became a member of the Emmaus community.
I looked forward to the Christian weekend retreat held in April at the Sacred Hearts Retreat Center in Wareham, Mass. But as I drove in silence and accelerated my vehicle as I drove through New Bedford, I toyed with the idea of increasing the speed. I thought to myself, "Why not Eric? As usual, you are filled with intensity."
Then I hit cruise control and slowed down to about 65 mph as I glanced at signs for Route 24-Boston and Cape Cod.
Finally, Route 195 came to an end and I had to navigate my way toward Wareham. I began to pray to myself and thought, "Wow, it's dark around here." My heart began to race a little as I zoomed through a winding trail toward the retreat center.
I thought to myself, "Wow, Eric, you are fired up to attend this retreat but you've never been on any retreat before and certainly not a Christian retreat."
Finally, I reached the end of a dirt road and a big house with lights on came into view. My throat was bothering me and I became nervous.
About an hour later, I sat down in a circle and heard a young adult's life story about how that individual persevered through a cycle of addiction and violence. Tears filled my eyes as almost everyone stood up and hugged the person.
Everyone but me. Yes, I was moved but I'm an intense person and I don't like to show much outward love toward anyone. I thought, "I can't even remember the last time I told my mother I loved her."
But as I stared at an illuminated candle in the dark room, I noticed a chapel down a hallway and felt comfortable. I was on a mission to find other young Catholic adults who enjoyed a personal relationship with Christ.
As I sat down in my chilly room and read the Book of Esther before I went to sleep, I had a headache but I was at peace.
I awoke the next morning, visited the chapel downstairs, prayed and began to read the Book of Job. I was delighted at the sight of three deer grazing on a crisp Southeastern Massachusetts spring morning as they arrived for breakfast by the window. I thought about the beauty of God's gift of nature.
After I completed some push-ups to energize myself I noticed the smiles on everyone's faces as we ate a sumptuous breakfast. Right away I thought, "Wow, these people really want to be here and they seem to care about me for some reason."
But I grew more intense as the day progressed and still didn't want to hug anyone. I still had too much anger stored in my heart. I never loved many people — I especially had rancor toward myself — and I sure wasn't going to hug anyone here.
I had learned there is no peace in life without God.
As Saturday evening fell I had just heard a team member's story on forgiveness and how to allow Christ's love flow into your heart. I shed a tear and gave the speaker a hug.
As I ate another big breakfast on Sunday morning, I realized I was among other Catholic adults who had meaningful relationships with their savior, Jesus Christ.
I felt I was no longer sinking into an abyss as I carried some of my new friends' dishes to the sink.
I know I will confront more difficulties in my life, but I will now strive more to follow God's plan for me and seek the help and protection of the Holy Mother.
As I clasped my palms during Palm Sunday evening Mass, I thanked my abuelita (grandmother) — Mamá Ruth — for feeding my mother's soul with the Catholic (Christian) faith.
Then my eyes lit up as I kneeled during Eucharist and saw a friend from Holy Name of Jesus Church in Providence. I thought it was awesome to be in a room packed with Emmaus brothers and sisters.
I didn't want to leave!
